Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Satire 1, Pens 0

...or, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Blog Post.

Yesterday one of the strangest - and silliest - days that I've had in DBJ blog-land in a long while.


It started with this post.  In writing it, my intent was to write something in keeping with the #DefendNWA motif that's been sweeping the Columbus Blue Jackets blog community since the team fired up the single-game ticket marketing machine.  Of course, I wanted a DBJ post on the matter to be different.  Covering "#DefendNWA" as a genuine news item is intellectually lazy.  Giving stuff away to people who buy tickets...well...we don't have anything to give away. All we have is the Dark Blue Twins' leftover formula from their 4PM feeding, and that's not particularly appealing.

I had this notion of a satirical piece where the Blue Jackets would throw their arms up in light of the 2010 Penguins fan takeover of Nationwide Arena - the spark for #DefendNWA and the restrictive ticket sales policies to try to keep Pens fans away from the arena.  Rather than come up with even more restrictive policies, ownership would just eat the costs and not put those three games on sale.  The notion that such a thing could happen - a handful of regular season games played in front of practically no one - struck me as silly.  So I started putting it together.

I hit a writer's block wall, so I enlisted DBJ compadre Morgan to help me flesh it out.  He did, and his contributions were awesome.  We had a blast putting the post together.

Problem was, it took too long to put together.  By the time we were done, the single game tickets already were on sale.  I went back to the drawing board and reworked the post to suggest that the team was going to retroactively pull the tickets (with refunds coming at some point 5 years from now, no less).  All the better...an even sillier premise.


My reason for writing it was simple: I wanted to goad Blue Jackets fans into buying tickets.  In fact, I went as far as adding a somewhat lengthy postscript explaining this.

Yes, this is a silly purpose for a Blue Jackets fan blog, seeing as only Blue Jackets fans could be expected to read it and they likely already had or were going to buy tickets.  Regardless, it was my blog's contribution to the cause. Better than stale baby formula.


My Western Conference blog pal, The Royal Half, read the post.  He forwarded the link to The PensBlog guys.  The PensBlog inexplicably got upset.  Why inexplicably, you ask?

1. The post was clearly not aimed at the Pens or their fans.  It was intended for a Columbus audience.
2. The post had a lengthy postscript that started with "Obviously, this is a satire."

And then it really got going.

Oh no, indeed.

Here's a link to the PensBlog post.

Kudos to the PensBlog guys for having the gumption to keep the post up long after it became evident that their effort brought immeasurable shame to the poor folks at the Pennsylvania Department of Education.  For the Pennsylvania English Language Proficiency Standards for Grades 9-12 clearly state on page 44 that students should have a mastery of "The Language of Language Arts" - standard number two.  One of the listed topics to be mastered is satire.  It's a wonder they got their high school diploma.  ("Comprehension strategies" are a Grade 4-5 skill under the same standard, page 32.  Might want to brush up on that, too.)

We at the DBJ blog understand that while it would probably be advantageous, not everyone can come from The Most Intelligent City in America, one of the seven smartest cities in the world.  But I digress.

Morgan will back me up on this: I never once considered that Pens fans would be so insecure as to take offense.  Especially on a post not directed at the Pens!  As for Mike Commodore...yeah, he could get upset:
If you’re not named Mike Commodore and find offense with this post, you need to reevaluate your priorities. 
But they did get upset, my blog's traffic exploded and what was supposed to be a cautionary note to Blue Jackets fans morphed into a trolling of Pens Village.

That, my friends, was sillier than anything I wrote.

Courtesy of DKM Hockey


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  2. In case you're a confused Pensblog contributor, THIS IS HOW WE TROLL. Honestly, I Can't wait to see the inevitible and endlessly original "zero playoff wins / one playoff series" replies that are sure to follow. Tuck in that bottom lip and come up with something better, "Dickhead."

  3. Having had to put up with comments like"you don't even HAVE a football team" from some Steelers fans after adolph modell moved the Browns, it doesn't really surprise me anything they say. I'm not going to risk a virus by going to "those" web sites. Morgan, as always, short, sweet, and directly to the point. Really a shame, because, like it or not, this IS going to become one of the better rivalrys for the Jackets. I just hope they get their goalie problems solved. Last I checked, a 4.00 plus g.a.a. in the playoffs isn't going to win many games. Especially when the top line is averaging less than 1 g.p.g. LET THE SEASON BEGIN!!!