Thursday, April 1, 2010

Today across the National Hockey League...

I had an elaborate April Fools post ready to go, but time constraints forbade me from taking the dedicated time to write it all out.  Thus, I was forced to Plan B - using Twitter to post interesting 'news' from around the league.  In chronological order, they follow:

  • Tomas Holmstrom apologizes to NHL: "I blame my parents for making me a d-bag."
  • Team Canada's Rick Nash & Hayley Wickenheiser to have test tube baby: Prototype for Canadian "Super-Skater" project
  • CBJ files tampering claim against Caps, labels Milan Jurcina a "sleeper agent".
  • Toronto Star reports - Doug MacLean on CBJ: "I was against expansion, so I did my best to submarine that team. It almost worked."
  • AP: NHL bans all hits to the head - Fighters wonder how to entertain fans with only kidney shots
  • AP BREAKING: Kidney Foundation decries NHL ban on headshots
  • Rocky Mountain News: Avs' Adam Foote takes responsibility for Dublin, OH sewer backup
  • St. Paul Pioneer Press: Wild enforcer Derek Boogaard files cease and desist claim against NHL over headshot ban
  • St. Paul Pioneer Press: Flyers' Mike Richards, Caps' Eric Belanger join Boogaard headshot suit against NHL, giving class action status
  • TSN: Habs give up on Montreal, new owners say Quebec is "Too French." Moving franchise to Winnipeg. NHL, Canada in a quandry.
  • Columbus Dispatch: Leslie Wexner buys John P. McConnell's #CBJ ownership stake, tasks Victoria's Secret staff with new uniform designs
  • Former Detroit Piston Bill Laimbeer publicly embraces Red Wings' Tomas Holmstrom, calls Homer, "My kind of guy."
  • Washington Post: Caps' Alexander Ovechkin to leave NHL for KHL in 2010-2011, cites tax-free salaries and "Enough of that Sid-Ovi stuff."
  • Pravda BREAKING: Pens' Sidney Crosby signs 4-year with CSKA Moscow starting in 2010-11, KHL launches "Sid v. Ovi" marketing campaign.
  • REPORT: ABC, NHL, American Dental Association to partner on new show, "Extreme Makeover: NHL Edition," to be hosted by Flyers' Dan Carcillo
  • Report: Nashville arena to be sponsored by Stride Rite, execs cite "untapped marketing opportunity" for shoeless Preds fans
  • Report: New Edmonton arena to go 'all in' on Oilers theme, "The Oil Slick" will feature black ice. Coaches, players confused.
  • Ken Hitchcock re: his coaching stint with the CBJ: "Everything would have gone just fine -- if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"
  • Kansas City Star: NHL to broadcast random games on Sprint Center jumbotron. Locals thrilled to finally have hockey in K.C.
  • CNN: After Congressional prodding, NHL launches investigation into player use of aluminum foil. In other news, Hansen Bros. flee to Canada.
  • Raleigh News and Observer: Canes fans surprised to find ice inside arena next to their favorite BBQ tailgating site.
  • Vancouver Sun: CLONING MIRACLE - Canucks to field 'all-Sedin' team in 2010-2011. Henrik-Captain, Daniel-Alternate, Zeppo-Goalie
  • From 97.1 The Fan: Geneologists confirm CBJ's Claude Noel and Yogi Berra are indeed relatives. GM Scott Howson: "That explains a lot."
  • BREAKING: The Ohio State University to buy the Columbus Blue Jackets and fold the team. Pres. Gee: "We don't like competition."
I hope you enjoyed the mirth...any offense taken at these posts probably means you need to laugh more often.  

Happy April Fools Day!

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