Sunday, September 22, 2013

Debate over "The Goal" ended - No Goal

We here at the Dark Blue Jacket aren't reporters.  We're bloggers.  We don't break news or pretend to walk the CBJ beat.  But every now and again we are prone to investigative reporting.  In the following blog post you will find one of the finest pieces of investigative reporting I have ever done. 

The date was January 18th, 2013.  The location was Elizabeth Lake near Waterford, MI.  The event was a very competitive and beer soaked game of W-H-O-R-E-S on the frozen waters of this illustrious lake between 3 two-men teams.  Myself and Joe Reader were in command of the game flawlessly executing every trick shot thrown our way.  Sam Beckman and Craig Rohrenbeck had "W" and were doing well.  Already having W-H-O and desperately needing to convert on a 'Gretzky-Curl' trick shot in order to avoid further humiliation, John Kemp and Art Rohrenbeck attempt to complete this rudimentary shot.  Typically, you make or you miss these shots by a mile.  And when it came time for John and Art to complete their shot, we were left with nothing but questions.  After a loud clang and finding the puck laying on the ice outside the goal, the five casual observers never observe the puck actually crossing the goal mouth.  Art and John celebrate as if they had just beaten the Soviets.  John is guilty of senseless humping (again).





Both John and Art maintain the puck crossed the line and the 4 other contestants are just belligerent and refuse to award the point.  The camera man is there to look, but not to touch.  Video evidence reviewed the next morning shows no evidence of the puck crossing the plane of the goal mouth.  John and Art, neither of which are even casually versed in quantum mechanics, maintain that while we have no video evidence supporting the puck went in the goal, that the puck did, in fact, go in the goal.  This is no typo.  Art and John say that since we can't prove the puck went in the net, we assume that the puck went in the net.  An 8 month debate has raged in the Black and Tan Hockey Club's dressing room since.  With no proof that the puck did in fact go in the net, and only blurry images showing the puck never entered the goal, John and Art swear the goal was good.  We have had no peace since then.  To end this madness, I have gained access to the archival video of this shot through the freedom of information act.  I have taken several clips of this film, which I'm sure will be discredited like every good piece of investigative reporting by those who stand to lose from it's validity.  Please see my frame-by-frame analysis of the no-goal, much like the Zapruder film of the Kennedy assassination.

This video was filmed in 720p resolution with a frame rate of 24 frames per second.  I only wish the videographer had used the $5000 uber-cool cinema quality low light camera at 60 fps per second that was left in the camera bag.  Alas, what we have below are 9 frames of film that support the theory of the puck NEVER breaking the plane of the goal mouth.  This is lowlight footage of the toughest sport to film.  Those familiar with 'home movie' and cameras with slow glass will be familiar with the 'blurred puck' images below.

Image 1 - 5.17 (5th second, 18th frame) - frame 0.00 is the first frame

There are two things to pay attention to in this image:  1. The puck hitting roughly in the right-center of the cross bar.  Clearly, the blurred puck is visible in front of the cross bar indicating it has yet to cross the goal mouth.  2.  Pay close attention to the top one-third of the right post.  Please notice how there are no visible puck marks or scuffs on the area of the post outlined by the backwards white bracket.  There is a hole in the net that is distinguishable in the entire series of images.  The puck is trying to escape earth's gravity at roughly a 60 degree angle.

Image 2 - 5.18 (5th second, 19th frame)



A twenty-fourth of a second later, you see a black smudge over the right post as indicated by the crisp white arrow.  This black smudge, NOT PRESENT IN THE MILLIONS OF OTHER FRAMES FILMED THAT WEEKEND, is consistent with the downward trajectory of a puck that hit the under side of the cross bar while the puck was 'flat' and has started a steep descent back towards the ice surface.  The puck has not crossed the goal mouth.  Notice there is no 'popping' of the net to indicate the puck hit the top or the back of the net. The puck was shot at a 45 degree angle from the center line of the goal at a trajectory of 60 degrees.  Anecdotal evidence from 30 years of playing hockey suggests that with these measurements, the puck is likely to hit the right post.   It's been 1/24th of a second, no time for the puck to have hit the top cross bar, then deflect down towards the center post in the back of the net, only to be deflected upward in the opposite angle defying all laws of established physics.  What you do start to see is the net tightening as the goal is lifted off the ice do to the puck hitting the apex of the crossbar as the puck flips ass-over-tea-kettle in an upward trajectory.  Accepting that black smudge is the puck, the puck is now at a lower altitude than when it made contact with the cross bar consistent with a puck not crossing the goal line.  There is no 'back and to the left.'

Image 3 - 5.19 (5th second, 20th frame)


What we have here is the celestial event known as the "Kemp Full Moon."  John's lumbering orbit transits the flood lamp and has cast a shadow over the presumed path of the puck as is flies AWAY from the goal.  There is no 'popping of the net' and the trajectory of the puck in Image 1 does not support a trajectory consistent with the puck popping the net in a plane parallel with the camera angle.  My hypothesis is in this image is the puck is making contact with the right post in the area obscured by Kemp's shadow.  At this point it's impossible to confirm if Mallory has reached the summit or what has happened to Sandy Irvine.

Image 4 - 5.20 (5th second, 21st frame)

and


Image 5 - 5.21 (5th second, 22nd frame)



Still there is no sign of the puck. Aliens abducted it for 8/24th's of a second.  Traveling at the speed of light, that's like 12 earth minutes or something.  John Kemp now has an anal probe.  But seriously, No popping of the net, no beer cans being hurtled into the cosmos as the puck crashes into them.  The goal is being pulled on by earth's gravity.  The puck has contacted the right post, is on it's downward trajectory back to earth, and Kemp's body and shadow block the pick from view.


Image 6 - 5.22 (5th second, 23rd frame)

and

Image 7 - 5.23 (5th second, 24th frame)


Where's the puck Lebowski?  If Amelia Earhart had successfully completed an emergency landing of her Lockheed Electra in a shallow lagoon, surely we'd find the aircraft.  The puck should be on the ice by now one way or another.  If the puck hit the crossbar, was deflected back into the center post and then hurled to the ice, it would likely be laying in the goal.  The wooden blank with small slits cut into it would reduce the chance of the puck exiting the goal.  If the puck hit the crossbar, then the right post, and was hurled away from the goal having never crossed the goal mouth, it would be reasonable to find the puck fluttering on the ice a few feet in front of the net.

Image 7 - 6.00 (6th second, 1st frame)

As the Kemp Full Moon passes, we see a dark smudge appear on the ice.  It's like itty-bitty pieces of skull the first lady was aware enough to grab after watching her husband's head explode.  I mean, who doesn't abandon their spouse to retrieve pieces of their skull 2 seconds after watching it unzip?  Exploding skulls must be old hat, or maybe she expected to see it.  But I digress...  The puck is a blur, smearing from top left to bottom right.  The puck hit the right post, smacked into the ground, and began to flutter. Similar to the way it bounces during a face-off.  The skull fragment is much easier to see in the next frame.

Image 8 - 6.01 (6th second, 2nd frame)


Look Everyone, in this grainy image we see Bigfoot!  The puck is where we would expect to find it if it had indeed hit the crossbar, then the right post, and smacked into the ice.  It is not where you would expect to find a puck that hit the front of the crossbar, then changed directions while ignoring inertia in order to hit the center post, then contacting the ice missing the 20 or so beer cans and empty cases of beer littered about the inside of the goal, then squeaking out of the two tiny slits cut into the board defending the goal while fluttering, only to stop like it had been dropped on the ice - aka, the "Magic Puck Theory."  No sir.  This puck had never broken the plane of the goal mouth.

Image 9 - 6.02 (6th second, 3rd frame)

Whether or not you hate everything to do with this blog because we don't worship the Blue Jackets, it's hard to refute the proof presented here.  Kemp's shot never crossed the goal mouth.  We must ignore his logic of "Since there is not video evidence or eye-witness evidence supporting the puck went in the net, we must assume the puck did go in the net."  Kemp's thinly veiled logic is an attempt to cover the fact the pick never went in.

Supporting Facts:

1. At no point do we ever see the puck in the net.
2. The net never pops.
3. The goal never moves backwards supporting the theory that the puck hit the center post after hitting the cross bar.
4.  Two other teams of 2 players both immediately confirm the puck never crossed the plane of the goal mouth.
5.  Art and John were hammered.

The stated facts and the images presented here support the conclusion that this was in fact, NO GOAL.

But watch the video for yourself.  You decide.


PS - that may be the best Celly in the history of hockey.


8 comments:

  1. The Truth Shall Set You Free.

    Bravo, Morgan.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The Truth Shall Set You Free.

    Bravo, Morgan.

    ReplyDelete
  3. So if I'm reading this right, it sounds like there is no visual evidence to overturn the call on the ice of a "good goal".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No Goal. The Packers suck. We award you with the letter "R" and may God have mercy on your soul.

      Delete
  4. I can't believe I just wasted 25 minutes of my life reading/watching that.
    Pete Tabernik

    ReplyDelete
  5. My takeaway: Hey, remember Cooperalls ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Had a pair myself as a kid. The pads were grey, then turned yellowish grey due to sweat and stank like nothing else in this world. The long pants were awful a la the Flyers and Whalers.

      Delete
  6. Thanks for taking time for sharing this article, it was excellent and very informative.

    Ice hockey bag & Roller blades

    ReplyDelete