Friday, April 4, 2014

Top 10 reasons why it's bad for Toronto to think it can make the Playoffs

I read the Toronto Star article this afternoon and honestly enjoyed it.  I was not offended by it in the least.  It was a nice piece of satire and something to lift the spirts of a proud Toronto populace.  I do feel compelled to write a retort, point for point, indicating the subtle differences between Toronto and Columbus.  There might have been a hint of arrogance in that article that no one in Columbus would know how to fire back.  Well, here you go:

1. Columbus is a world class city.  Granted, we don't have the Jamaican-Chinese immigrancy that Toronto has, or riveting documentaries about our racoons - but the restaurants, festival, and overall accessibility to the city is something Toronto would be hard pressed to match.  I mean, every day the Canadian National Railroad isn't on strike is a National Holiday, right?  Toronto may have an awesome mayor, but we have an awesome first lady.  Rob Ford should definitely not hook up with Mrs Coleman.

2.  When the Jackets go three generations without winning a cup, they'll be jerseys in every major North American city, just like the Leafs.  Give us time.  That kind of greatness takes, well, decades.

3.  The Blue Jackets logo is a multi-color contemporary homage to the entire state of Ohio.  There was no need to dumb it down so that hockey fans in Ohio know which team to root for.  "Oh, it's a Maple Leaf, eh?  That must be us."

4. Stinger has a heavy, his name is Boomer.  Boomer will mess you up if you mess with Stinger. You know what these three mascots have in common?  They've never held a Stanley Cup.

5.  In Columbus, we have better things to read about than which stall Wendel Clark took a dump in this morning.  And really, if it takes five news papers to figure out what the Leafs are doing wrong, well, you're doing it wrong.

6.  While the Leafs were an original six team, they haven't won a Cup since 1967.  Since 1967, the Kardashians have used the Maple Leafs' front office as inspiration and role models for their lives.

7. All we got is Rick Nash.  But hey, we've never lost to Barry Melrose in the playoffs.

8.  The Blue Jackets don't have any players from Toronto on their roster, maybe that's why they've played markedly better the last two seasons. 

9.  Attendance?  Dear lord, how intellectually lazy to bring that up.  But seriously Toronto, if you can tell us how to sell-out your building after sucking for a decade, we'd be much obliged.

10.  Now, now Toronto media.  Having an irrelevant team doesn't hurt that bad, does it?  You get used to the jokes after a while.  I mean, 47 years without a Cup for such a majestic original six team?  We thought you'd have thicker skin than that.


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