Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The New NHL

Wait! What?
Well, I attended the season ticket holder open house at the ... ah, man, those *&^%*#s at the Cannon totally scooped me on this!  Dang it!  Man, that Wagner must have the stamina of a camel!  Given the pace of the Twittersphere I might as well be blogging about 14th century politics.  &$^*^%#!!!!  Oh well. Yawn  It was a long night, and maybe stopping back at the R-Bar to lube my throat after a long Q&A session, like the Jacket BackersYawn wasn't such a good idea.  Definitely tired and sleepy.  I can probably stay up ... yawn .. for a bit more.  Stupid lockout.  Snort. Snore.  Fehr....Bettman....Voided contracts......yawn.....snort...have to think.......

Huh?  I must be in a dream sequence (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?)  Where am I?  Oh, this looks like CBJ training camp, 2013-14.  Should be interesting, let's hear what they are saying.

Howsan:  Welcome everyone, to training camp.  Have a seat, I have a few things I need to go over before you start on your physicals.  We'll hit the ice tomorrow.  You are on the hardest working, and most egalitarian team in the NHL!  How about that eh!  Yes sir, without a CBA and all those contracts voided, its really different.  Now the league has asked me to read this statement.  Just a sec.  OK, here we go...

As you know, every player is a free agent this year.  It is the policy of the NHL that no team may discuss with another team its policy for negotiating salaries.  The NHL believes in a free market, and certainly doesn't want to get sued for antitrust violations.  Don't believe what those agents say anyway.

Well, since we know we aren't exactly going to be able to compete with New York and Toronto, who, according to newspaper reports are all ready at $200 million and $210 million in salary respectively, we've decided we needed to take a different approach.  Hoo boy!  No way we can compete with that.  Nope, we've decided that since just about all the other teams rosters are full, you'll be happy to play for our standard, 20 year, $400,000 per year contract.  Just think boys, you'll be making the same amount of money as the President of the US of A!  Yes, I know the contract term seems long, but don't worry, its not guaranteed!  Oh, and don't be thinking you can dog it for a year and get out of that contract, well just send you to the A, because they are all two way contracts.

But just think!  You'll be making the same amount of money as all your teammates!  Well, except for the goal tenders, cause you're screwed without goal tending and they are all crazy anyway.  The good news is we think we can bring payroll in at under $15 million, which means we can slash ticket prices in half, and still be in good shape.  

So we practice tomorrow, then we have a preseason game at Detroit the next day.  Make sure to be here and load your gear on the bus before noon.  What, oh yeah, the bus.  Don't worry about that.  Walt's Sam's outside now making it look mean.  

Plane?  Ha, ha.  Seriously boys.  Where do you think you are going, the West Coast?  Well, no, all that travel stuff was in the CBA, but we don't have one of those anymore.  Where was I, oh yeah, we'll be staying at the Motel 6 in Monroe, but don't worry, we have most of one wing, and I think the crazies all have rooms on the far side of the other wing, so the meth dealers shouldn't bother you much.  This motel is great!  There's an olive garden on one side for those of you looking to go upscale, and a macdonald's on the other for those of you on a budget.  Five star hotel??!!  Ha, ha, ha, are you kidding me??  No, we don't do that any more.  That stuff was all in the CBA!  No, this is one of the finest Motels in the midwest.  And, you'll only be sleeping three to a room!  I'm assuming you'll give the cot to the rookies.  I think you'll find the accommodations clean and comfortable.  Make sure you hit the anytime machine before you leave so you have cash.  What?  Meal money?  Ha, ha, what a bunch of jokers you guys are.

Look, we're paying you as much as the president of the US of A to play a game.  At the rate we're paying this is still the highest paying hockey league in the world!  Well, except for the KHL, but they'll get that figured out pretty quick.  And besides, who ever heard of a bus crashing on take off?  There's lots of guys who would love to make $400 grand a year to play hockey, so if you don't like it someone else will.  

Player 1: I hear Stamkos gets a limo ride to every practice and game!

Howsan:  Of course!  Its freakin' Stamkos.  You're not Stamkos!  And he plays for Toronto anyway.  There's no way we're gonna be able to match what they're doing.  Holy Frijole!  The good news is that our fans get to see them anyway, when they come to play us, but our fans will be paying pennies on the dollar to see them.  A good deal for everyone!

Player 2:  Are we gonna have to see that quack of a doctor you had last year?

Howsan:  Good news boys!  No, you don't need to see the team doctor anymore.  In fact, you're free to go see any doctor you can afford to pay for!  Medical care?  Ha, ha, ha.  Ya, that's another one of those pesky CBA things.  Speaking of pensions, you won't need to worry about that either.  We have a real nice 401(k) you can toss some money in for your retirement.  I understand that if we turn a good profit this year, they may even throw in some matching money.  How about that, eh?!

Well, that just about wraps up today's meeting, any...

Snort, snerk, cough Huh?!!  What's going on?  I fell asleep at the keyboard, and boy, I had the craziest dream....

Disclaimer:  This is a fictional account that does not represent the position of any organization, nor of any person with even 2 neurons firing in their head.  All statements are complete fabrication.  But like all doomsday scenarios, they may contain a grain of truth if you look hard enough.  We are not responsible for any of that.

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